I had a box and then it vanished into thin air.
I have now moved to my 4th department in 2 years at the same company (it's a big company). And to each department, I have carried around this box filled with various things (mostly decorative). The last 2 departments, I didn't even bother unpacking it. It just sat in a corner. In one department, I was just too busy and never got around to it. And, if you've followed this blog, you know that I no intention of even staying in that last position. So when I got the notice to move my belongings to my new office (which is very spacious), I grabbed the box and headed over.
My last memory of the box is holding it in front of my office door, which was locked. I assume I sat it down to unlock the door. I assume I walked in to set my bag down. And I assume I got distracted by something, forgot it was outside my door, didn't notice it when I left for the day, and that it was thrown out by the cleaning crew.
But I'll never know.
The normal night crew was all on vacation, with some random person filling in. So, the next day when I asked the crew about the box, they could only shrug their shoulders. I even checked the dumpster, but it was empty. Literally nothing in it! I guess the trash pick-up was early that morning.
The box is gone... I guess... I can't really confirm other than that I don't have it in my possession.
And I don't know if I really know if I care about the contents. But it left me feeling such anxiety that I don't know where it went. Knowing that someone had to clean-up after me, even though I didn't intend for them too, which I feel bad about it. The sense of the effort I spent dragging it around with me feels wasted. Wondering if it was rummaged through and feeling some anxiety about what I had put in there but don't remember...
So this event, and recently some others, have really helped me realize that a lot of my anxiety derives from being worried about what others think. Which that worry was built into me by my parents who lie their way around the moon and back to maintain a certain social image (and they're not even rich, so I don't know who they think cares?)
I was considering buying a Pornhub shirt and wearing it to the holiday family gathering. Which is mostly a big fuck you parents millenial move, I know; but why not be proud of the work I love doing on Pornhub and my age-restricted YouTube videos. Also, I have this hope that one day in the near future, people will reference something they saw on Pornhub like they do Facebook and Instangram. And with all that in mind, why am I worried about what a box of crap left in a hallway says about me? I think world probably has bigger problems with my videos than anything that was in that box.
Which leads me to the question of whether putting my body out there relieves some of this anxiety. The pent up stress to constantly do what is morally right. My love of Yaoi was probably the gateway for this, since being a fujoshi get's the "that's weird" scrunched face from people. But the super ego is developed through teachings and not inherent. Thus, my since of what is "morally right" is being unlearned and redeveloped right now as I embrace my sexual identity and desires.
For I love yaoi and doing my feet videos. I love meeting all the people in both communities and the conversations I've had, both mundane and sexually intriguing. I have learned so much through the process and through following the art of other sensual and sexually explicit artists. So here's to furthering my education. And thanks to all for being my life teachers.
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