Monday, November 5, 2018

Flux

It seems... no it is...
Things in flux. I think of the word transitioning... but transitioning suggests that there is a beginning and an end...
And I guess there are...
Maybe I don't like beginnings and ends, so I ignore them...
Or maybe because it just always lingers in my mind and in my past... it's never gone, never ends.
And the anxiety of what's to come and what's to come back again...

I spent the weekend with my parents. They pulled out all there tricks to suck me back down again. As the sun set, the old ways crept up on me.  The bottle looked sweeter and sweeter. The knives looked oh so gentle. But oh... I know this is only in comparison to their treachery. Bullying me down to give them the answer they don't want to hear; only so they can turn it around and blame me, tell me I'm being ridiculous, and it's all in my head.

Of course it is. But none the less it is. It's in the past... but the memory of my mother's gaze on my naked body creeps up on me more and more these days.

I'm transitioning to a new job in a more creative department. Yea! Celebration! When I started this blog, it's one of the first things I complained about and one of my purposes for writing. To fill that creative hole in my life. (But this blog is also a flood gate for days like these.)

My husband expressed his concerns... will this job finally be okay? Will it give me what I'm looking for? Will I like it more? Will I stick with it?--All reasonable questions.

Will I like it more?--sometimes
Will I stick with it?--I think I have to.
Will it give me what I'm looking for?--For now. Until I need to run away again.

I'm constantly running in place from those childhood days... because I love where I am now, but the invasion is just at my borders.

A facebook meme once said something about suicidal people having it best because every small task accomplished is an amazing feat.

I'm not suicidal. But when I'm sad and anxious like this, I like the philosophy.

#blessed #thankful #Thanksgiving #November #hashtag

Transition, Flux, Fluidity--People come and go around me. People grow. I grow. People transition on to other things. I transition on. Let in. Let go. It's what we do as a society? Or just me? So overwhelmed by the connection I have with someone that I flee... no... it's just that nothing's permanent. So loving and leaving is natural. But I feel heartless with this philosophy. #singleservingfriends #fightclub Why do a variety of relationships have a variety of stipulations... and why can't we all agree to love and let go without it being a thing to be emotional about? And why the fuck will this one relationship with my parents just not burn up in the nuclear fission of the sun. #millennialsnowflake

This would make more since if I was high? #JackKerouac

#bottles #blades #drugs

#meditation


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Flux

It seems... no it is... Things in flux. I think of the word transitioning... but transitioning suggests that there is a beginning and an en...